Goodbye Meds, Hello Warm and Fuzzies

I skipped one too many psychiatric appointment and now I’m running out of meds. My next appointment is on Memorial Day, so I don’t know whether my pdoc will be in the office. The following week, I am out of town. I’m using this opportunity to titrate (or go cold turkey on the meds I’m completely out of) off meds.

It turns out my “self-control” is all about amphetamines at the moment! I only started Ritalin and then Adderall in college, so I successfully restricted without meds in the past. However, my lack of self-control over food and studying is hurting my self-esteem.

My parents commented that I “look better”. Argh, thanks guys. In my head, “you don’t look like you’re starving anymore” is an insult.

On another note, I’m on a two week break from work and this is something a student turned in on Friday:

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Attention Seeking: Part 3

Oh no! I found out I want that same concern/caring reaction from my parents that I want from friends. Damn it! I thought it was just with friends because I was insecure about my attachment to them. However, tonight I caught myself wondering why my parents have mentioned my weight loss even though I’m below weight restoration, and no one called me to eat tonight. I wondered if they loved me and considered dropping even faster. WTF, brain?! At the same time, I had a nightmare where they took the keys to the car and refused to let me go to work until I ate enough to gain the weight back.

I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I am self-aware enough to know what is happening. On the other hand, I can’t think of what I could do instead to garner the same reaction. Today we brainstormed about Cory wanting negative attention and ways we could give similar attention without making him resort to bullying to control others’ emotions. Tangent: Once, when I purged frequently, he looked at me oddly and asked who my bully was. Anyway, I completely understand being picky about the type of attention you receive.

What can I do instead?

Struggling with Attention Seeking

So far, so good not mentioning behaviors or that I’m no longer weight restored to Ginny! It would only upset her. Telling her is purely attention seeking and since I know it would upset her, telling her would be mean.

I’m happy I am finally under the weight inpatient treatment made me gain to!

Must. Continue. Silence.

Vacation

I’m leaving for a week long family vacation. It’ll be fun, but stressful because of the ED. I’m officially no longer weight restored (I weigh less than the weight I had to gain to during inpatient treatment at 17 years old), but I doubt that will last through the week because we have huge meals and candy and snacks everywhere.

See you in a week!

Now on Break

Today was a much better day. We had Water Day. I didn’t plan on getting wet and trusted my “don’t – touch – me” vibe to keep  me safe. It worked too. I walked among the kids and staff tossing water on each other and using water squirts *cough* water guns *cough* and stayed dry. However, I started overheating and asked a student to spray me. He did, but then another student picked up a sprinkler and pointed it towards me! After that, all bets were off! I was completely soaked. It was a lot of fun and I’m so happy I got to be there today.

I ate a giant piece of pizza for the first time in months. On Thursdays during the summer and Fridays during the rest of the school year, staff and students can order a giant slice of pizza. It was pretty good, but not as good as I remembered. I started feeling anxious about it soon after I ordered it.

“You are ONE pound away from your weight restored weight. WHY are you sabotaging your weight loss?! You don’t deserve food. You don’t even need food, [student] won’t elope or need transporting to the Quiet Room. You have no excuse for eating. Everyone will judge you. You disgust me!” And on and on…

Then I noticed I was eating during the kids’ lunch. Usually, I work during their lunch and eat during their recess. That made me more anxious because I planned to eat pizza with a friend and that adds positive social pressure. She usually eats second lunch. Initially, I thought I’d ditch the pizza, but I made the healthy choice and got my piece of pizza. Then when I walked into the room where we usually eat, she was there! That was a nice surprise and made eating it easier.

OH, speaking of eating… My boss brought in pastries this morning. Usually I avoid them because of restricting. Today I felt like eating them. When I walked in she said, “Oh, [I] can’t resist the sweet stuff!” I almost put my plate down and left! I’ll SHOW you self-control, bitch! I did not. However, in the afternoon, after everyone cleaned up and changed out of their soaking wet clothes, we  had ice cream. I put toppings on for a student and my boss joined us and commented, to everyone, that I love sweets! Note: I did NOT have ice cream.

She knows about ED. I think she is jealous because she is trying to lose weight and isn’t losing much. On the other hand, I lost 20 lbs in a month and a half. Therefore, I believe she is taking pleasure in seeing me eat “bad” food.

Now we have 2 weeks off.