Music and Meals with Friends

I feel happy! Ginny invited me to lunch on a day we’re off work. ūüôā *feels wanted and liked*

Also, I heard a great song on the radio today.

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High Anxiety Freak Outs

Rather say I di it than I Gave Up.jpg

Why am I freaking out right now? I just emailed Ginny about supervision. It is our first official communication. Sending the email made me want to cut. Am I afraid she’ll withdraw because of the supervision? Am I afraid I’ll do poorly and suddenly she won’t like me? Am I afraid of supervision in general? Am I afraid I won’t be able to handle the feedback like when she and my boss talked to me?

I think it is a combination of the first and the last thought. However, there may be reasons I haven’t thought about. Regardless, I hope the urge goes away soon… but depending on the cause, I might get this urge every time we meet officially or every time she watches me. I have a bad habit of deferring to her or my boss when they are around, even if I know what to do. I look for non-verbal cues of approval or direction. Ignoring her will be difficult. I did it once before. Gage used to be much better and he was specifically better with me. So, she observed me working with him to determine why there was a difference between how he acted with me and with others. Then she re-wrote his plan based on my interactions with him. I don’t think there was anything wrong with his plan. I think the problem was staff error, either they were lazy and didn’t want to do the hard work of imposing consequences or they didn’t know what they were supposed to do. Sadly, he has regressed enough that he struggles no matter who he works with. My point is I did ignore her once when I knew she was specifically watching me. So, I’ve done it successfully.

At least we’re half done

Today is difficult to categorize as either good or bad. On one hand, I did most of the “right” things. On the other hand, I feel like crap.

I almost called in to work to take the day off because I felt so despondent. I decided not to because I hate being absent without notice.

I brought the razor blade with me to work. However, I left it in the car, which is the ethical thing to do. Otherwise, a student might find it. If we room clear because a student has behaviors and they deicide to go behind the teacher’s desk and happen to go through my purse, it is possible they’d find it. That would be extremely dangerous.

I wasn’t congenial before the kids arrived, but I was polite. Once the students arrived, I was in the zone, for the most part. At one point, my student said he felt sick and slept on the bean bag. My mind wandered during that time. Of course, once it was time for lunch, he was recovered. Therefore, I think he was pretending to be ill. However, he genuinely looked ill.

I ended up joining the group for lunch. At first I was dead set against it. My boss brought it up and I said I didn’t want Chinese food as an excuse. She said she wasn’t looking forward to it either and left to go talk to the person who compromised last week with the understanding that we’d get Chinese food this week. She returned and said the girl insisted on Chinese food because she compromised last week and we all agreed to Chinese food last week. That was true. Then I felt guilty because I didn’t want her to think I was being a bad sport and refusing to go because I didn’t get my way or I reneged on my promise to go get Chinese food this week. At that point, I still planned to refuse. I truly didn’t feel good and didn’t want to eat. However, Ginny and my boss walked in during the kids’ recess and tried convincing me to grab Chinese food with them. Of course, I could care less about where we went to eat, but they didn’t know that. So, it was clear they wanted me to join them. Since they made it obvious they wanted to me go with them to lunch, I felt guilty saying no. I also felt liked. ūüôā I didn’t want to squander that good will.

Once the kids left, my mind was free to wander again. For the first few minutes, I decided it didn’t matter whether they liked me or not, I don’t deserve friends because all I do is stress people out. So, whether they wanted me to accompany them was irrelevant. I was doing them a favor. I filed behavior data and Heather saw me as she walked to the front of the building. She asked what I was doing for lunch because she heard I didn’t want Chinese food, but they were going there anyway. I said I wasn’t sure. She walked away. I wanted my blade, but it was in the car. Consequently, I needed to leave the building, but everyone was waiting at the front door, by the time everyone started leaving, the group was in the hallway. At first, I ignored them, even though they were a few feet from me. But then someone said something like, which car are you riding in? At that point, I felt it was too awkward to say I wasn’t going when I was standing next to Heather waiting for people to leave.

I think I seemed okay during lunch. I didn’t really want to eat and picked at my food, but I ate an entire¬†Crab Rangoon. As a result, I don’t think anyone noticed. I talked some, but it was an awkward conversation and the group was larger than I like. There were funny moments. The O.T. therapist makes me laugh. That was nice.

On the way back¬†to work, Heather started talking about some survey of high school students’ reactions to whether different scenarios of rape are ever okay. That was triggering and I started scratching. Then they started talking about dating in late elementary school and middle school. That was triggering as well because everyone’s stories were tame like they called someone their boyfriend if they acknowledged them at school, instead of ignoring them or they held hands. I was not like that. I went much further than that as a 12 year old. Oddly, I still feel guilty about my actions back then. Their conversation made me feel like a whore, which is what my dad called me a year later…

Then we had our weekly meeting. I was alright at first. I don’t even remember what bothered me, but I started scratching again. I didn’t bother to leave. I should have. I promised not to do behaviors in front of Ginny, but I felt like I couldn’t just leave the meeting. I didn’t want to miss any important updates.

I am unhappy the 2 BCBAs and the BCaBA are splitting the kids up in a new way. It means I have to ask the new BCBA questions about certain kids. It also means I can’t just give Ginny my opinion on any student in our program. I don’t know what I think of her yet and I don’t trust her yet. I’ll do whatever she says because that is my job, but I’m not comfortable with her.

My boss and the behaviorists left the meeting with about 45 minutes left of the day. People just sat around and talked. It was okay at first, but then I got bored. Boredom and I don’t get along. My thoughts started turning dark. The classroom supervisors were all doing their own work, but staying in the room where people were talking. Finally Barb and Ashley¬†left the room and went into¬†their own classrooms. I tried to stay in the conversation with my co-workers to bond, but I couldn’t handle it. I decided I’d ask Ashley if she needed any help. But when I looked across to her room, she was gone. I wanted to wait for her to return because I want to continue making sure she knows I am not mad at her for “taking” the promotion. However, minutes went by and she still wasn’t back. So, I walked into Barb’s room. I must’ve looked pissed because she asked if I was looking for something to do. I said yes and she gave me some work. Then she said, “I love how I can read your body language. You’re bored.”

The work helped. I took my anger out on the hole puncher. I worked in her room until it was time to leave. On the car ride home, I perpetually felt like I was about to cry. I left the blade in my car and started writing this as soon as I walked inside.

My mom is out tonight. We’ll see how this goes. I won’t kill myself because she flat out asked if I was suicidal this morning. I admitted I was and now I don’t want to make her feel guilty by killing myself while she is gone, on the same day I admitted I was suicidal.

In sum, I feel awful. I don’t even know the word for my feeling. I only know it sucks. I am proud of the good things I did like going to lunch, eating something, and not cutting, but disappointed in myself for self-injuring in front of people, especially Ginny.

Food and Friends

There are too many people going to Wednesday lunches these days. As I said before, it was my fault there were so many people last week because I invited Heather and Ashley. However, as of today, there is a new BCBA. So, the group is now: My boss, Ginny, the new BCaBA, the new BCBA, and the O.T. therapist. Therefore, the entire behaviorist staff, my boss, and a therapist comprise the group. When it was just Ginny, my boss, and the O.T. therapist, the dynamic was different. Other program directors (my boss’ title) go out to lunch with their staff. Her presence didn’t make it awkward. There are a ton of therapists. Some go out with classroom supervisors and behavior assistants (my job). Her presence didn’t make it awkward. Ginny was a behaviorist, but there was always 1 other behaviorist and she didn’t go out with us. Therefore, she was one behaviorist out of 2 or 3. However, with the new BCBA and BCaBA going along, the dynamic changes because now all the behaviorists are going to lunch together and then there is awkward little, low man on the totem pole, me.

Fuck this making friends shit. I want my fucking blade. That escalated quickly. I hate social crap. No one likes me anyway. They might tolerate me, but my presence isn’t missed, so why fucking bother? Restricting and cutting sounds better than figuring this shit out. Glad I found that blade for tomorrow.

Sorry for my tone. I’m upset.

….Aaand now I just logged off FB in the middle of talking to Ginny. I hate me. Idk if that was the right choice. On one hand, I’ve never left a conversation like that. On the other hand, I was getting more irrational. Granted, I’m often irrational. ūüėČ I don’t even fucking know. Believe it or not, I’m trying to show as little crazy as possible and I’m pissed because I can’t even do that! I don’t want every conversation to be “let’s try to talk MM out of irrational thoughts”. That isn’t okay. But I can’t fucking stop. I just need no friends, then I wouldn’t talk to anyone and this wouldn’t be a problem and I wouldn’t feel left out because I wouldn’t put in any effort.

Buffy_trying to be okayso they don't worry

Emotional dysregulation is fun.

But Why did I Cry?

I got in trouble at work today and when my boss sat me down to talk, I cried (after ~ 10 minutes). As soon as they asked if I needed a minute, I ran out and self-injured badly, considering I had no blade on me. I pulled over while driving to cut properly. I am so screwed with my mom. There is no way I can hide them. I can blame titrating off the medication, but she’ll be really upset and worried.

Today when a kid was having behaviors, I filled out their data sheet. I thought I was being helpful, but it upset someone. Yesterday Ginny told me not to make people feel watched regarding following behavior plans or filling out data. She said that last week too. Therefore, I haven’t said stuff to people when they’re doing things wrong or said anything to Ginny or my boss. In my mind, this was different. I didn’t think my co-worker was doing anything wrong.¬†I wasn’t looking at the data sheet to see whether or not she’d done her job and filled data out. I assumed she hadn’t because she didn’t have time. As a result, I wasn’t checking up on her. So, it felt like a different situation to me.¬†When a student is in crisis, you don’t have time to fill out data. I meant to be helpful. I didn’t mean to offend or hurt her. Considering I’m tearing up typing this, I might be upset because I hurt someone else. That makes sense, but I know my reaction is disproportionate to the situation.

Also, I hate doing something wrong. However, I’ve been wrong in the past and it didn’t bother me this much.¬†¬†Then again, I wasn’t this wrong. That is, wrong enough for my boss to sit down and have a formal conversation about it. “Conversations” go in your permanent file. I hate her thinking less of me, like I’m a jerk, or bad at my job, or uncaring, or rude. *completely crying now*

Furthermore, I don’t want to engender ill will. I don’t want to make my co-workers mad at me or make them dislike me. Yet, there were other times when I accidently angered someone. I did self-injure, but not this badly and not this impulsively. My boss said we have a really good group of people who work together well right now (true!) and she doesn’t want to¬†endanger that. In other words, I ruined that! I caused a rift in the team.

I’m sure they’re all talking about me…How annoying I am.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to scar and I don’t even feel that much better!! It kept me from suicide, but that was it. I was on the brink. I almost pulled off a second time because my thoughts were too close to becoming actions. “You deserve to die! You’re awful at your job. No one likes you. You shouldn’t exist. That car is awfully close, if you slammed on your breaks, you might die. Or you might just get hurt. But that isn’t good enough for you. Look, the bridge, speed up and swerve into the concrete. That way no one else will get hurt! Yeah, you’re selfish, thinking of causing another person to have an accident. Mom wouldn’t miss you. She has (brother). It is raining, no one would have to know it was suicide. The rain creates plausible deniability, unlike the overdose you considered a few miles back.” I took my seatbelt off and went out of my lane. But I slowed down and got back in my lane. I almost pulled over at that point because I was endangering others. I took some deep breaths and turned up my music. I arrived home safely.

So, there are a few possibilities for why I cried:

  1. I upset someone else
  2. I did something wrong, majorly wrong, something I should’ve known better
  3. My boss is mad
  4. My boss thinks I’m ruining moral
  5. My co-workers hate me
  6. They’re talking about said hate
  7. Ginny and my boss don’t want to be my friends anymore

I didn’t write about the last one. But not being invited to lunch last week, along with Ginny saying, “If we’re going to do this, you can’t…” Do this? What is THIS?! I think this is being friends. So, I doubt I’ll eat tomorrow. Additionally, I doubt I’ll eat with them. I’m not mad at them or hurt by anything they said during the Conversation. I’m pretty sure I’m not wanted. I don’t want to make things awkward for¬†them or awkward for my co-workers. Therefore, I’ll eat with no one. Plus, I don’t deserve to eat. Just like I deserved to bleed.

I’m also FURIOUS at myself for crying in front of my boss AGAIN (the last time was when I didn’t get a promotion). I’m furious because I know I showed my dysregulation and I hate showing weakness. She doesn’t need another reason to think poorly of me. She doesn’t know how fucking unstable I am and I don’t want her to know. If I hadn’t cried, I wouldn’t have SId so badly. I was so mad at myself for crying.

 

Be Yourself is Stupid Advice

I wish minor things like my boss posting about her new daily runs and people congratulating her on each post didn’t bother me, but it does. It is just another reason to feel inadequate.

What kind of advice is be yourself when myself is a freak_Claudia_ Warehouse 13

I avoided unfollowing her on Facebook because I am interested in the other things she posts and if I stop commenting or *liking* her posts, I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t care. However, I finally gave in and unfollowed her. I couldn’t handle it when Ginny commented too, saying they should do the same running program. It was a daily reminder of how I’m not good enough because I don’t exercise, I’m fat, and I never get that number of comments or *likes* on my posts. That means people don’t care as much about me. I’m seriously considering making a status about my weight loss. *Please, please, please let this post be enough to stop that urge*

Why would I want to be myself when no one likes me?