Turpin 13

Since Sunday I’ve been following the case obsessively. It is upsetting, but I can’t look away and I’m not sure why.

I am angry. I worry about their futures when the media goes away and charity dries up. I worry about them being taken advantage of like Genie.

I feel sick to my stomach; my chest feels tight, yet I still read updates.

Someone on a message board I’m reading said, “I can imagine that being stuck with needles, hooked up to IVs and having measured nutrition (although all are direly necessary for now) could feel like more of being chained up and deprived and tortured. I hope that they are able to understand what is being done to help them?” That hit close to home and is a horrific thought.

I’m tearing up thinking about the pain they are likely still in. During refeeding, I literally thought I was going to die once b/c I hurt so much. They have no reason to trust anyone. If they are low cognitively (which apparently some are), they may not understand and think they traded one hell for another. Even if they’re not low cognitively, they might not understand because of no medical knowledge.

I think, part of me, hopes to learn enough that I could recognize signs in people I meet. Then again, I’m paranoid enough about our kiddos and ready to call CPS based on some of the things I hear when they’re in crisis.

I’m not in favor of the death penalty for Louise or David Turpin because that is the easy way out. I wish there was a way to make them feel the same pain, hopelessness, helplessness, sadness, and fear they inflicted on their children. That would be a tiny sliver of justice, even though it wouldn’t make the kids whole again.

The TV show Black Mirror often leaves me unsettled, so I haven’t watched all the episodes, but one (White Bear) showed a similar punishment for a child abuser. At the time, I had more misgivings about the punishment, but for these 2, I think it would be appropriate. My thoughts usually center on personal atonement for any real or imagined wrongdoing I committed, but David and Louise Turpin bring out the anger I usually reserve for myself. 

When my eating disorder thoughts are bad, I tell myself no one deserves to starve. The Geneva Convention outlawed it as a form of torture. Well, we found some people who deserve to starve. I can’t use that coping statement anymore.

I found 2 legitimate funds for the Turpin kids: The Corona Chamber of Commerce and Riverside University Health System, where the adult kids are hospitalized, both created funds for the 13.

If you’ve heard about the case, what are your thoughts? If you are upset by it, how are you handling that?

 

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One-sided Competition to the Death

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I’m dealing with the minor, insignificant rejection worse than I anticipated. I expected to feel hurt when I saw people’s pictures. Earlier this week, I asked my high school friend if she wanted to see Thor this weekend to distract myself. She did and that was validating. Plus, the movie was great!

However, I’m restricting and purged what I ate with her. I look like I got punched in the face and received 2 black eyes. I keep thinking, “I can’t make them like me or care, but I CAN be better than they are. I can be thinner.”

 
I’m dealing lots of cognitive dissonance. I know this is a small thing to worry about. I know it won’t matter in 6 months or even 2 months. Honestly, I shouldn’t care what anyone who I don’t consider a friend or above me in the workplace hierarchy thinks of me. Despite that knowledge, I feel hurt.

How do you deal with feeling left out, invisible, or disliked?

 

Feeling Invisible

Felicia Day_i think that is why I like video games

A coworker got married tonight and most people from  work were invited. The invitation list included people she never talks to and who she has only known a few months. In contrast, we went on a weekend winery trip together, have known each other for years, and used to work together closely. One day, at lunch, she mentioned struggling to come up with 200 people to invite and even including some coworkers she didn’t like to meet her guest list goal. I was sitting across the table from her when she said this.

Ginny was invited and said it was nice.  I asked how it s out of jealous curiosity.

I’m trying to vent my feelings here so I don’t complain to Ginny. That would be  downer. It would be unfair to bring her mood down because I am like a ghost.

I know I overreact to social stuff a lot because I’m scared everyone sees me the way I see myself… I’m try, but failing, to shut up the refrain in my head… “No one likes you. You’re unlovable, no one would notice if you starved to death. If you were good enough, people would care. If you were thin enough, people would notice. ”

How would YOU feel in this situation? Am I being an idiot?!

1,000 mile move

In the next few months, I’m probably going to I will move over 1,000 miles away from home. I lived in a dorm out of state during college, but other than that, I’ve always lived at home.

I am scared.

I’m currently house-sitting and I’m successfully maintaining my weight! That gives me hope. However, it is hard. On one hand, I’m telling myself I’ll never be independent or get what I want in life if I lose weight now.  On the other hand, I’m telling myself I just need to hold out until I move and then no one will monitor my eating or health.

Somehow everyone around me is more confident than I am in myself. Even my mom thinks I can do it and she is usually cautious.

God damn it, I’m 27 years old and afraid I won’t be able to handle feeding myself. Paying bills is not a problem; I already do that. Getting up to go to work won’t be an issue. I lived without family in college, just fine. I had a roommate all 4 years, but not always friends. Yet, I survived knowing virtually no one. What does that leave? The food! I’m scared of food. My heart rate is 120 bpm and I’m sitting down typing. 

if-you-cant-beat-fear-then-just-do-it-scared

I know one of the main functions of my eating disorder is escape and avoidance. I could let myself “relapse” and avoid moving. That would be settling for mediocrity. I cannot let myself stay stagnant because of fear. If I do, I’ll never improve… but I’m still sitting here scared…

I wish I knew what the people I love see in me. Why do they think I can be successful living on my own?

Trying to Teach my Kids this one

Earlier this week, we had a tough day. Joe ran out of the build and almost made it to the street! As he ran down the hallway, I ran after him, and yelled, “JOE, FRONT DOOR!” into my walkie talkie. Immediately, 6 or 7 of my male co-worked dropped what they were doing and ran after us. Joe is 19 now and easily more than double my size. I don’t remember if I posted about this before but… A few months ago he eloped, but waited for  me to catch up and make eye contact before running out the door! When Danielle got in front of him, he started punching her. I thought I could calm him down because we have rapport, but he tackled me and bit my face. A male co-worked arrived and pulled him off me. I went to urgent care… Anyway, now a walkie talkie warning about him eloping out of the building gets an immediate response!

Back to this week… Once two men passed me, I stopped running because I knew they could handle it and I was useless for helping to restrain him anyway. However, this time it took 4 men to carry him. Usually, once someone gets ahold of his arms, he walks back. This time, that wasn’t enough. We put him in the biggest Quiet Room because supposedly it is too wide for anyone to climb. We found out that was false. Joe can still climb. He reached the sprinkler and tore a piece off. Idk why there are sprinklers in the QRs when the doors only lock when someone is standing there holding a magnetic button. Anyway, the principal of the school opened the QR door and told him to get down. He did… and then he tried to hit the principal. But we shut the door quickly enough. Joe continued trying to climb, but every time we opened the door, he jumped down. He rarely curses, but this time he was cursing at us and threatening us. It is the worst I’ve ever seen him. 😦

A lot of stressors are happening though… We’re getting a new student in the fall. Barb finally left (she worked at our school for 7 years and Joe has been there most of that time, her departure was tough on him), but on Monday she returned as a substitute. Also, our internet was out all week and his favorite break choice is surfing the web. Moreover, he thought he lost a break when he ran (he did not).

So, we didn’t get out of the QR for over an hour. By the time he was out, it was time for lunch. A few minutes after we get to class, Jacob starts leaving the room (they’re supposed to stay in class for the first 20 minutes of lunch), and doing minor property destruction, all while staring at me. He desperately wanted my attention. At one point, I offered to play a game with him when he was back in class being safe, but he ignored me. I was positive he’d elope too. When it was time for recess, he had a 5 minute delay for not following directions. Amazingly, he walked back to class and sat in his desk!

I internally did a happy dance and externally, praised him once the 5 minutes was up for making the next right choice!

do the next right thing

Maybe I should make this poster for my room! Except, not in pink. 😉