You deserve THIS

I often catch myself thinking I deserve bad things, so these words impacted me today.

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I’m almost a month into my new job at a clinic. I like it so far and I’ve made progress with the kids on my caseload. I’m still the same perfectionist though. Despite my ability to stay calm when kids are biting or hitting me, others, or themselves, I have little patience for my own short-comings. I feel guilty when my interventions don’t immediately help my kids.

I’m still a work in progress. Yesterday I went on a date. It is almost 100 degrees Fahrenheit here and he asked if I wanted to sit outside. I acquiesced, knowing I’d have to take my sweater off, revealing my scars. I was nervous, but he either did not notice or did not care. I’m trying to remind myself I not only deserve a healthy relationship with myself, but also with others.

What self-talk do you struggle with? Have any strategies worked well for you?

At Remuda we had a series of skills called “Catch it, Challenge it, Change it” where you caught the irrational self-talk (“I don’t deserve being happy”), challenged it (“Everyone deserves to be happy”), and changed it (“Everyone, including me, deserves to be happy”).


Too Serious?

I got a BCBA job!! I’ll have to try balancing  because I need rapport with parents and RBTs.

Ginny recently told me I need to be less intense. Her first suggestion was to smile more and then talk to co-workers about something other than work.

I need to move to season 3 😉

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When I first arrived here for my practicum, I tried opening up in a positive way, but it waned over time. I struggle with balance. Ginny knows more than she really needs to! I’ve at least been successful on that front (not over sharing irl 😉 ). I’m participating in feeding training research. The point is to see which methods of training parents and caregivers is the most efficient. I told the principal investigator (PI) I was fascinated by feeding treatment because I had an eating disorder in high school. However, I didn’t go into detail. That disclosure led to a neat conversation about current research on ARFID, AN, and BN.

How do you create positive working relationships with others?

If you want to change the world…

Mother Teresa Love Your Family Quote Inspirational Quotes If You Want To Change The World, Go Home And

2 more months of school and 3 more months until I am home for good! I have a job lined up. I still have a mountain of work separating me from the finish line, but it is conquerable. I’m home for the weekend, visiting my almost 16 year old dog. I’m not perfect and my family isn’t perfect, but I love them fiercely.  I love their compassion for her, soaking her paws twice a day, after she injured herself by pacing all night. I appreciate their patience with me ❤

This quote spoke to me because I’m reading a parenting book for a class and it hammers home the idea that the family is where nurturing, education, empathy, and resilience begin.

It is Not Over Yet

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I’m trying to remember this and struggling not to give up. I have 2 more months of school. I can do this. I just have to turn in all the work on time from now on and attend all my classes… I’m supposed to be in one at the moment, but I overslept.

I need to implement a BIP for excessive (escape motivated) sleep. Next week I’m going to start implementing some of these strategies:

Behavioral Treatment of Insomnia in Bipolar Disorder



Interventions for Sleep Disturbance in Bipolar Disorder

Successful Coping Skill for Self-Injury

Long time no see.

Grad school is stressful (duh) and living on my own, in a new state, means much less support. However, I’ve managed relatively well. I’ve caused some bumps along the way, but I still have my internship and I’ve passed 2 out of 3 semesters. I’m about 1/2 through with my last semester right now!

I haven’t forgotten about the peeps who are just here for the inspirational pic 😉

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However, this week, stress has come to a head. Long story short: I was battling severe Self-injurious behavior urges today.

Details: I hadn’t slept in almost 48 hours because I am overwhelmed with the workload this semester and anxious I won’t pass. Granted, I am always anxious I won’t measure up. To be fair, this semester, the concern is warranted. I am currently failing one class. Uh oh!!

Using the syllabus I calculated the remaining possible points in the course and I can still pass as long as I do well on the midterm and final exams. The midterm is next week! I am extremely behind in reading. The exam is essay based and the questions come from the reading. Of course, this is no ones fault, but my own…

Anyway, the urges were intense enough that I was unable to function. I did not go to work yesterday. I got nothing done for school or my practicum, even though (for once) I was awake all day. This morning, intrusive images made it tough to distract from the urges. When suicidal thoughts and a plan entered the picture, I decided riding out the urges was not a safe option.

Buffy_too much for me want it to be over

In treatment, people sometimes held ice as a coping skill because it causes pain, but no tissue damage (as long as you are careful to watch for frostbite and are able to curtail the SIB urges enough to take off the ice as needed, if tissue damage begins). I find that a little helpful. The pain works to elevate my mood. However, blood is a strong motivation for me as well. It is a discriminative stimulus for relief from overwhelming negative emotions. The sight of my own blood is so strongly paired with SIB that without it, the compulsion remains.

Therefore, I tried something new! I froze ice cubes made by mixing red food coloring with water.

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It worked wonderfully!!! 🙂


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Next time I’ll do a few things differently. I’ll put a towel down under my arm to avoid staining. I got the red  out of the counter tops, but it took a few seconds with a Brillo pad. Additionally, I’ll have paper towels within reach.

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Surprisingly, the red dye came out of the silicon ice cube tray without a hitch,

The important take away is I avoided self-injuring despite struggling with the urges for over 24 hours.


If seeing blood and feeling pain are part of your self-injury, are there other ways you sublimate the urge? What works for you? I hope this helps someone avoid SIB.