Change the Ending

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Even without reading this blog, my mom knows me well! She sent me this quote the other day. I love the reminder!

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Still Alive, Kinda Hopeful

Hi All,

Thanks for checking my blog even though I’ve been severely derelict about posting. 

Listening to Pink’s “Conversations with my 13 year old self” while procrastinating for finals reminded me of the sad drawings I used to doodle in Middle School. I updated my typical picture. There is no longer a cage surrounding the child I used to be…. though my drawing skills have not improved one iota in 15 years! 

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The random object to  my left is my first attempt at a leg. Woot for not tearing it up

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Also, I found an awesome, sweet, cuddly, hilarious kitty wandering around my apartment complex about a month ago. The leasing office called the sheriff and he had no microchip. They kept him for a day and then prepared to turn him over to a shelter. He is so people-oriented I thought he would not handle a shelter well. Someone loved him and misses him. We put up flyers and posted on local lost pet websites. I’ve fallen in love. Here is my buddy: 

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What gives you hope? Are you holding on for someone you love, future aspirations, or something else? 

Now I’m off to study… maybe 😉 

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Sexuality Struggles Part 3

****trigger warning**** Abuse mentioned

I realized my earlier assertion that my masochism began before any abuse is incorrect. In addition to clear memories as an older child, I have a very early, unclear memory of potential sexual abuse. This memory seems to haunt me more than known memories. I’m not sure why, maybe because I’ve managed to rationalize that every other thing that has happened to me was somehow my fault or I participated, etc. and therefore I only recently began to view as abuse. Or maybe because it involves a family member who, unlike other family members, has never hurt me.

Anyway, this memory occurred around ages 4-5. I know this based on location because we moved when I was 4. I also know there are parts of the memory that are incorrect like I remember the floor of my bedroom as its’ current pale blue, but the carpet wasn’t changed until I was 9. I know my timeline is correct, and I wasn’t 9, because the memory includes being rocked to sleep and the PJs I wore were ones I did not fit into at 9. 

The memory is not a recovered memory from therapy; I have always remembered it. Perhaps, even if it is false, it still shaped who I am today. Maybe regardless of the memory’s truth, its effect on my development in neither good, nor bad.

My earliest recalled masochistic fantasies were at age 5. I believe it was this early because they involved grade school teachers. Each year, the participants would change to that year’s teachers. Therefore, their onset might have occurred after abuse… or not…

But then, maybe a nefarious origin is beside the point. Should sexuality formed by abuse matter more than sexuality formed by first consensual experiences? Does it make masochism wrong, if it was formed by abuse? Whether or not it is wrong and whether or not it was formed by abuse (real or imagined), do you think I can recondition myself to enjoy typical sexual activities?

People tend to believe conversion therapy is both wrong and ineffective for homosexuality. It is definitely unethical to do with children or people who do not want to change. I think it would be best if people could accept themselves. However, would conversion be okay if someone tried, but couldn’t accept themselves and wanted to change? If it was okay, could it work for masochism?

Sexuality Struggles Part 2

In the first part, I talked about questioning whether my masochist and submissive tendencies are innate or learned. Before jumping into some of the other concerns I have regarding my sexuality, I want to add some additional thoughts about that.

I questioned the difference in judgement toward myself versus my loved one. I’ve never questions whether their proclivities are innate or learned… except my brother. I asked him about it because I find it strange that I’m a masochist and he is a sadist. However, that inquiry wasn’t about judging him; it was about trying to find answers for myself. Regardless, for most people like my gay uncles or queer sister-in-law, I don’t give it a second thought. I would feel sad for them if their interests and identifications stemmed from past abuse, but it wouldn’t make them less valid. It wouldn’t need curing. So, why do I view myself differently? Perhaps I view sadomasochism differently than LBGTQ?

Yet, I don’t think the previous Master I mention in my earlier post needs intervention. I don’t think he is a bad person, neither do I think my brother is evil. So, why does my urge to be hurt make me sick or bad, yet their urge to hurt others, does not? I’m not sure.

****trigger warning**** Abuse mentioned

I think some proclivities can be wrong like pedophilia, bestiality,  or sadism that involves non-consenting parties. Essentially, I see any urge that necessitates people or animals who cannot or do not consent to the sexual acts are wrong. That said, I do not think thoughts make someone evil. For example, we all (I think…?) have moments of anger where we wish someone would die. However, we don’t really wish they would die and we don’t act on that momentary thought. If someone only gets sexual gratification from pedophilia, are they evil? I believe, if they do not act on their thoughts, they are not bad people because they put their own urges below the safety and well-being of others. That is loving. I feel gross using the word “loving” to describe someone who has pedophilic urges, but perhaps it is an appropriate word. After all, I view my previous Master’s respect for my boundaries and denial of his own (later admitted) urges to break them, as loving.

My urges don’t involve non-consenting individuals, except, sometimes, myself… Of course, that is a contradiction because blanket consent prior to an event is technically consent. Therefore, unless I used a safeword, consent still exists. I do have fantasies where I revoke consent and my partner doesn’t stop, but I am not harming anyone else, only myself. That shouldn’t make me bad. It might make me sick, self-destructive, or broken, but not bad or evil.

On the other hand, I’m jumping through numerous logical hoops to justify myself. Does that indicate I’m incorrect in these conclusions?

Do you think someone who had pedophilic urges, but does not act on them is a bad person?

I assume everyone think pedophiles, any adult engaging in sex acts with children or contributing to abuse by knowingly viewing child porn, are bad people. If you disagree with my assumption and believe those actions do not make someone a bad person, why?

Do you think consensual sadism makes someone a bad person? If so, why?