I can’t pinpoint the cause of my current mood. I’ve been sad all day. Heather is officially coming to our program and that didn’t even phase me. I’m down. Usually going back to work makes me happy. I still feel useless, unwanted, and unneeded. Perhaps returning to that environment piqued those emotions. Nothing specifically set it off though. I remember randomly thinking, “You deserve to die” on my drive to work.
Twice I caught cognitive distortions and both of those times I recovered to my baseline sadness. First, I complimented a co-worker on her haircut and she barely acknowledged my statement. When another co-worker came in and commented on her hair, she gushed. I felt like my opinion didn’t matter or I didn’t matter. However, the second commenter was effusive. My affect was flat. Therefore, she mirrored the other person’s emotions.
Around 8:45, we all met in the gym for training. Ginny and my boss entered with a crowd of co-workers, many of whom I went on a weekend trip with 2 months ago. I felt excluded. However, I never venture into the conference room, where Ginny and my boss work, in the morning because I’m too afraid I’ll interrupt a meeting, even though most of the time people chat before the kids arrive. Therefore, I wasn’t in the group because I didn’t join the group in the area they usually congregate, not necessarily because I was intentionally left out.
When we broke for lunch, I considered hanging around my usual lunch mates and seeing where they planned to eat. However, I decided no one cared about my presence. Also, I felt hideous and fat. I was too disgusting to go out to eat in public with anyone. I did gain weight. 10 pounds in 9 days!! I felt as if everyone could tell and thought I was repulsive.
So, I left and walked back to the classrooms. Ginny came to find me, which made me feel loved. I said I wasn’t joining them for lunch because I was going to nap. I tried to nap and couldn’t, instead I rested on a beanbag and ended up repeating “I hate you. You deserve to die” in my head for 30 minutes. Obviously that wasn’t a mood booster… I remained dejected all day.
I felt annoyed by certain suggestions for the new school year, but didn’t feel like saying anything because 1. I feel ignored 2. No one would listen 3. I didn’t want to deal with rebuff 4. I feel my thoughts are unimportant or wrong. If I was right, people would already share my opinions. And 5. My mood made me too apathetic to comment despite the other 4 concerns. Even when I’m not depressed, I am insecure. So the first 4 concerns are often at play, but when I am less depressed, I care enough to say something regardless of my other feelings.
In theory, I have a promotion coming up when a classroom supervisor transitions to a new role. However, that has been pushed back to at least November and maybe later. I’m actually OKAY with that because I’m starting classes in October and didn’t want the added responsibility and school to start the same time. I want to get used to one or the other before adding another stressor. I am disappointed because of the pay.
So, happy fall semester!
Masochist Musings 