At least we’re half done

Today is difficult to categorize as either good or bad. On one hand, I did most of the “right” things. On the other hand, I feel like crap.

I almost called in to work to take the day off because I felt so despondent. I decided not to because I hate being absent without notice.

I brought the razor blade with me to work. However, I left it in the car, which is the ethical thing to do. Otherwise, a student might find it. If we room clear because a student has behaviors and they deicide to go behind the teacher’s desk and happen to go through my purse, it is possible they’d find it. That would be extremely dangerous.

I wasn’t congenial before the kids arrived, but I was polite. Once the students arrived, I was in the zone, for the most part. At one point, my student said he felt sick and slept on the bean bag. My mind wandered during that time. Of course, once it was time for lunch, he was recovered. Therefore, I think he was pretending to be ill. However, he genuinely looked ill.

I ended up joining the group for lunch. At first I was dead set against it. My boss brought it up and I said I didn’t want Chinese food as an excuse. She said she wasn’t looking forward to it either and left to go talk to the person who compromised last week with the understanding that we’d get Chinese food this week. She returned and said the girl insisted on Chinese food because she compromised last week and we all agreed to Chinese food last week. That was true. Then I felt guilty because I didn’t want her to think I was being a bad sport and refusing to go because I didn’t get my way or I reneged on my promise to go get Chinese food this week. At that point, I still planned to refuse. I truly didn’t feel good and didn’t want to eat. However, Ginny and my boss walked in during the kids’ recess and tried convincing me to grab Chinese food with them. Of course, I could care less about where we went to eat, but they didn’t know that. So, it was clear they wanted me to join them. Since they made it obvious they wanted to me go with them to lunch, I felt guilty saying no. I also felt liked. 🙂 I didn’t want to squander that good will.

Once the kids left, my mind was free to wander again. For the first few minutes, I decided it didn’t matter whether they liked me or not, I don’t deserve friends because all I do is stress people out. So, whether they wanted me to accompany them was irrelevant. I was doing them a favor. I filed behavior data and Heather saw me as she walked to the front of the building. She asked what I was doing for lunch because she heard I didn’t want Chinese food, but they were going there anyway. I said I wasn’t sure. She walked away. I wanted my blade, but it was in the car. Consequently, I needed to leave the building, but everyone was waiting at the front door, by the time everyone started leaving, the group was in the hallway. At first, I ignored them, even though they were a few feet from me. But then someone said something like, which car are you riding in? At that point, I felt it was too awkward to say I wasn’t going when I was standing next to Heather waiting for people to leave.

I think I seemed okay during lunch. I didn’t really want to eat and picked at my food, but I ate an entire Crab Rangoon. As a result, I don’t think anyone noticed. I talked some, but it was an awkward conversation and the group was larger than I like. There were funny moments. The O.T. therapist makes me laugh. That was nice.

On the way back to work, Heather started talking about some survey of high school students’ reactions to whether different scenarios of rape are ever okay. That was triggering and I started scratching. Then they started talking about dating in late elementary school and middle school. That was triggering as well because everyone’s stories were tame like they called someone their boyfriend if they acknowledged them at school, instead of ignoring them or they held hands. I was not like that. I went much further than that as a 12 year old. Oddly, I still feel guilty about my actions back then. Their conversation made me feel like a whore, which is what my dad called me a year later…

Then we had our weekly meeting. I was alright at first. I don’t even remember what bothered me, but I started scratching again. I didn’t bother to leave. I should have. I promised not to do behaviors in front of Ginny, but I felt like I couldn’t just leave the meeting. I didn’t want to miss any important updates.

I am unhappy the 2 BCBAs and the BCaBA are splitting the kids up in a new way. It means I have to ask the new BCBA questions about certain kids. It also means I can’t just give Ginny my opinion on any student in our program. I don’t know what I think of her yet and I don’t trust her yet. I’ll do whatever she says because that is my job, but I’m not comfortable with her.

My boss and the behaviorists left the meeting with about 45 minutes left of the day. People just sat around and talked. It was okay at first, but then I got bored. Boredom and I don’t get along. My thoughts started turning dark. The classroom supervisors were all doing their own work, but staying in the room where people were talking. Finally Barb and Ashley left the room and went into their own classrooms. I tried to stay in the conversation with my co-workers to bond, but I couldn’t handle it. I decided I’d ask Ashley if she needed any help. But when I looked across to her room, she was gone. I wanted to wait for her to return because I want to continue making sure she knows I am not mad at her for “taking” the promotion. However, minutes went by and she still wasn’t back. So, I walked into Barb’s room. I must’ve looked pissed because she asked if I was looking for something to do. I said yes and she gave me some work. Then she said, “I love how I can read your body language. You’re bored.”

The work helped. I took my anger out on the hole puncher. I worked in her room until it was time to leave. On the car ride home, I perpetually felt like I was about to cry. I left the blade in my car and started writing this as soon as I walked inside.

My mom is out tonight. We’ll see how this goes. I won’t kill myself because she flat out asked if I was suicidal this morning. I admitted I was and now I don’t want to make her feel guilty by killing myself while she is gone, on the same day I admitted I was suicidal.

In sum, I feel awful. I don’t even know the word for my feeling. I only know it sucks. I am proud of the good things I did like going to lunch, eating something, and not cutting, but disappointed in myself for self-injuring in front of people, especially Ginny.