Regret that healthy choice

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I’m regretting giving up my Unisom. 😦 I still can’t shake the Voice. It relishes the new ammunition it got on Monday. Before Monday I wasn’t nearly this suicidal. It was all transient passive thoughts like, “You deserve to die. You’re a burden. I wish you were dead.” Since Monday, my suicidal ideation consists of imagining lethal plans. Ginny doesn’t understand why I can’t get over it because she thinks it isn’t a big deal. She is the only one I’ve talked to about it. I can’t talk to my boss and I don’t want anyone else to know.

Supernatural_Cass_deserve to die

I can always buy more. When I bought it a year ago, I calculated the median lethal dose by kilogram (the amount at which 50% of rats died) and bought double that amount. It was a handy security blanket. No matter what happened, I had an out.

Ginny was busy tonight and my mom is sick. I spent the night looking up happy news to try to help. It didn’t work. Then I came across an article about suicide rates among eating disorder patients. It triggered a rush of suicidal thoughts.

 

 

4 thoughts on “Regret that healthy choice”

  1. Ok adjusting my settings cause WordPress definitely isn’t showing everything!

    I’m concerned.
    This is going to sound harsh because my fear is talking: Ginny’s reaction is what a rational person thinks after such a meeting.

    Your reaction is what someone with disordered thinking interpreters after that meeting.

    The voice is evil. It is not you. You are Sam trying to save the world and the Voice is Lucifer who wants to trap you in a cage.

    I won’t be a hypocrite and pretend I wouldn’t feel very similar things if our positions were reversed. This is why I think we need to pay attention to what our “normal” friends say.

    I’m sorry you lost the battle but the war is still on. I won’t force in patient care but darling you can’t do this on your own. You need help. You are worthwhile, your blog is not just for you but for people like you. People like me, who haven’t been able to articulate this hurt but see them selves in your words.
    You are important. Don’t let the voice win.

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    • You don’t sound harsh. You sound blunt and I appreciate bluntness, even though I struggle with it myself for fear of offending or bothering people.

      Haha, I LOVE that analogy! It is extremely difficult to remember that I am more than or separate from the voice in my head.

      Yeah, that makes sense. Someone in eating disorder treatment said I couldn’t trust my own eyes. So I had to trust the eyes of the people I loved. This is essentially the same thing.

      *sigh* I’m starting to accept the realization that I need more help, but I’m trying to hold on for the meds to kick in. That is 2 – 3 weeks away and that might not be viable.

      Thank you for your kind, comforting words. 🙂

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